restoration and reflection: full circle

full circle, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

standing on the other side of the one year mark.....it feels good. the edges soften when a full year stands between you and a painful memory. however, it was harder than I thought it would be to return there. i got tripped up by flashes of physical pain and emotional quivers. the trees on the island are so distinctive in shape, so beautiful really, and on day one of the trip it was grey and chilly and the trees were haunting me, driving me crazy actually- very hard to describe it and it was not something I was prepared for. When my husband wheeled me out of the hospital last year I instantly looked to those trees for some sort of reminder of the natural world I love-and yet in that pain their shapes etched themselves into my psyche and somehow the memories of the pain hid in their leaves.

but that ocean. to walk with a pregnant friend alongside that ocean, to hoop and practice yoga by that ocean, to chase my daughter alongside that ocean, and to be revisited by the dolphins of that ocean- this is where the real healing took place. to know that 12 full moons have pulled its tide and carried so many cares far and wide since then- it's effect on the heart similar to its effect on shards of glass.

yes, it is true. a rebirth comes with the closing of that first year, whatever that "first year" is- i have heard this from friends who have left marriages, faced tragedies, and come out of their own darkness in numerous ways. new memories are created and while the painful moments are still there, they are seen in a more gentle light, with a softer gaze. oh, how we all look better in that softer, gentler light.

beach elf

beach elf, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

reflection: one year later

reflection: one year later, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

tomorrow we leave for our annual trip to the beach with dear old friends. it's a time we look forward to every year and yet this year i go in with a bit of apprehension and a need for reflection and fortitude. it was on this trip last year that i wound up in the hospital with meningitis- the very experience that led me to the long healing process that then led to the creation of this space.

as I go into this trip I am reflecting upon what steps I have taken towards self-care in the past year and the love and support of others that have helped to ease the burdens. i am calling upon the open arms of compassion, presence, patience, gratitude, and faith to carry me through these days.

what i struggle to abandon are the etched memories of the physical pain and of the day to day life that exists in a hospital setting- the 24 hour sounds, the sterility, the endless waiting. I am also battling the persistent fear of allowing myself to get too run down or unconsciously "set the stage" for such a calamity to recur. any sign of drastic fatigue or the slightest illness sends me into a tizzy.

what lies within an anniversary can fill us with such pleasure or such pain. we can instantly transpire ourselves back into that defining moment- whether it is the marking of a birth or a death (either physical or metaphorical), a celebration, or a tragedy. a certain irrationality exists since the actual occasion is not recurring in our present space and yet the emotions that rise are as real as anything else around us.

and so all I can do is breathe and hold dear what is here. today. and offer a huge thank you to any of you reading this who have offered your hand to me on this path of recovery- you know who you are, near and far. as i stand oceanside this week i will be sending waves of gratitude your way.

(the dolphin above swam alongside my father, husband, and I the day after I was released from the hospital. earlier that day a beautiful deer had come to the window of the house we were staying in- both messengers indeed.)

reflection: "it's nice"

We didn't have a name for my daughter to call my father, although I just assumed it would be grandpa. instead, she has come to name him "papa walter" on her own. this name comes from the fact that he does look rather similar to his dog "walter" and he is walter's papa. who would have thought.

when he was here visiting a few months back my daughter asked papa walter what was on his face. Instead of responding with "its a moustache" he stated "it's niiiiiiiice" while he stroked his finger above his upper lip. It's a trait that he has managed to pull off rather well over the decades, I must admit.

This picture of my own grandpa, his two sons, and their three signature moustaches resurfaced today for me and all I could say upon first glance was.... "niiiiiiice."

connection: MEND

Pictures taken by my sister molly milroy during her photo shoot for the MEND program of Invisible Children. bravery and beauty embodied. molly, that includes you too.

reflection: presence and patience

little tree, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

A couple of months back while attempting tree pose in a yoga class, I worked to steady my trunk so that I could bring my two arms together to meet overhead. It was a day in which I really needed a break from the trials of parenting, the increase in speed of my days, and the burdening weight of recent emotional upheaval. as i steadied myself I felt two key guiding principles rise within: presence and patience. I extended and raised my right branch in honor of presence and my left in honor of patience and when the two met I felt a surge of stability and freedom at the same time.

Amidst the whirl of my days I repeat these words like a mantra and realize that they challenge me at every turn. I wish to claim them both, encourage them to burrow deep within, and yet so often they chuckle to themselves just out of reach. its okay. i will keep reaching. and grounding. and reaching.

creativity and connection

art, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

This marks the wrap up a week's worth of images from LEAF festival. I started the week with a posting of the LOVE side of this artist's van and I wanted to close out with this one because I am finding that I happiest when I am in the center of a LOVE and ART sandwich- two of the world's most powerful forces. The artist who created these visual delights I am finding myself longing for more time to create, and connect with other creative souls, and am greatly looking forward to the new creative space in the basement that we are slowly making headway on. will be posting progress images soon.

p.s. the other artists from LEAF I want to acknowledge in this connection post are Lisa Vetter and Paul Siefart of The Art Farm, located outside Fort Wayne, Indiana. Their work and generous, creative spirits inspired me greatly. And as serendipity would have it, I found myself in their neck of the woods last week and though they weren't there, the bartender who served me at a local haunt was wearing one of their custom pieces and the guy sitting next to me at the bar rents their old place. i love our small world.

connection: missing you

happy, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

a little virtual postcard to my little one while I am on a work trip in Indiana. this was taken last weekend as we did one of many laps around the lake. the site of her happy in sunlight makes my heart swell.

reflections: impermanence

reflections: impermanence, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

gathering from all directions
to celebrate
to commune
to simplify and reconnect
impermanent villages
of tents
and firelights
of harmonies carried over water and mist rising
commonality so natural so fleeting
so freeing