prayer journals

prayer journals, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

a collection of some of the prayer journals made by a group of remarkable women while on a retreat in montreat this past weekend, a time for 23 mothers to reflect and connect. it was a gift to have the opportunity to sit and talk and be crafty, while setting intentions for more dedicated prayer time in our own lives.

restoration and reflection: full circle

full circle, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

standing on the other side of the one year mark.....it feels good. the edges soften when a full year stands between you and a painful memory. however, it was harder than I thought it would be to return there. i got tripped up by flashes of physical pain and emotional quivers. the trees on the island are so distinctive in shape, so beautiful really, and on day one of the trip it was grey and chilly and the trees were haunting me, driving me crazy actually- very hard to describe it and it was not something I was prepared for. When my husband wheeled me out of the hospital last year I instantly looked to those trees for some sort of reminder of the natural world I love-and yet in that pain their shapes etched themselves into my psyche and somehow the memories of the pain hid in their leaves.

but that ocean. to walk with a pregnant friend alongside that ocean, to hoop and practice yoga by that ocean, to chase my daughter alongside that ocean, and to be revisited by the dolphins of that ocean- this is where the real healing took place. to know that 12 full moons have pulled its tide and carried so many cares far and wide since then- it's effect on the heart similar to its effect on shards of glass.

yes, it is true. a rebirth comes with the closing of that first year, whatever that "first year" is- i have heard this from friends who have left marriages, faced tragedies, and come out of their own darkness in numerous ways. new memories are created and while the painful moments are still there, they are seen in a more gentle light, with a softer gaze. oh, how we all look better in that softer, gentler light.

reflection: "it's nice"

We didn't have a name for my daughter to call my father, although I just assumed it would be grandpa. instead, she has come to name him "papa walter" on her own. this name comes from the fact that he does look rather similar to his dog "walter" and he is walter's papa. who would have thought.

when he was here visiting a few months back my daughter asked papa walter what was on his face. Instead of responding with "its a moustache" he stated "it's niiiiiiiice" while he stroked his finger above his upper lip. It's a trait that he has managed to pull off rather well over the decades, I must admit.

This picture of my own grandpa, his two sons, and their three signature moustaches resurfaced today for me and all I could say upon first glance was.... "niiiiiiice."

reflection: presence and patience

little tree, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

A couple of months back while attempting tree pose in a yoga class, I worked to steady my trunk so that I could bring my two arms together to meet overhead. It was a day in which I really needed a break from the trials of parenting, the increase in speed of my days, and the burdening weight of recent emotional upheaval. as i steadied myself I felt two key guiding principles rise within: presence and patience. I extended and raised my right branch in honor of presence and my left in honor of patience and when the two met I felt a surge of stability and freedom at the same time.

Amidst the whirl of my days I repeat these words like a mantra and realize that they challenge me at every turn. I wish to claim them both, encourage them to burrow deep within, and yet so often they chuckle to themselves just out of reach. its okay. i will keep reaching. and grounding. and reaching.

reflection: year of the handstand

handstand, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel.

Two months ago I participated in a yoga workshop with Mado that was dedicated to working on handstands. One of my personal goals for this year has been to work on kicking up into a handstand. Note that the goal is to do the working on, not necessarily achieving, the perfect handstand. This subtle shift in the semantics of the goal setting is actually what I think the key is to making me stick with it.

Last winter I wrote to my fellow unravellers about the fear that resides in my inability to kick up and how it trips me up emotionally. I feel so heavy and weak and as if what is holding me back is not physical strength but is rather emotional weight that I can't release, no matter how hard I try. So to sign up for a whole workshop in which I face this fear felt, well, rather daunting. What the workshop offered me was a whole bunch more tools to use to work up to kicking up, some tricks to meanwhile enjoy the benefits of a handstand without the fear rising, and the gift that comes when you share your fears with others who carry the same.

So 2010 has become the year of the handstand for me. and maybe it will be next year too. this process encompasses so much more than just being a yoga pose on which I am working. whether being supported by a bathroom doorway, walking my feet up the logs of our cabin, or being free to fall by the oceanside expanse of sand, I am showing up. over and over. and as the strength builds I feel the emotional weight slowly releasing and the effort giving way to a sense of ease. effort into ease. i like the sound of that. and I remind myself that the only way,in all of our journeys, is to keep showing up.

PS. I will return next week after LEAF with photos and tales from this wonderful multi-cultural arts and music festival just down the road.

rearview reflection

rearview reflection, originally uploaded by AnnieLaurel

I go about my days, scurrying between here and there with a hundred thoughts all competing for attention, and then comes a stoplight and a chance to gaze into the rearview mirror. my eyes lock on her and my heart swells. I lose track of whatever I was swirling about and I anchor into the awe of the moment- I realize that I am sitting at an intersection of revelry and grace.

The journey of infertility tattooed my heart in ways I still struggle to put into words. I write and write and yet the right words choose not to show up. but the feelings do. the ever-present longing giving way to intense surges of gratitude. of wonder. of inexhaustible love.

and reverence. reverence for those who are on their own journey of desire of one kind or another, those whose most steadfast companion in the journey is loneliness.

i am grateful for the rearview mirror and how, in those moments of reflection, the past shows up and tenderly releases into the present.

reflection: making it last a little longer

not ready to let go of the beach adventure yet...thought a few more pictures would make the taste of salty air linger. can't wait to return in november.

reflection: the preciousness of open-ended days

childhood photo in lake district

Recently, a friend and I were talking about how much we savor the open-ended nature of our current days with our little ones, but that we have to be honest with ourselves, and others, about how worn out we often find ourselves. we talked about the preciousness of these moments, regardless of how exhausting they can be when actually in the moment. I explained how maybe by looking at our own childhoods we can possibly regain motivation for our current efforts. I believe that the confidence and basic love of life that I developed in my early years gave me the skills I needed to overcome some of the turbulence of later years, and for that i am truly grateful.

These days, while viewing life through the eyes of a two year old, I find myself thinking alot about my own early childhood in scotland and england. my happiest memories generally revolve around the following things: nature, unstructured days, tea time, stories in bed, lazy rainy dark afternoons, kitchen activity, picnics, imaginary play with various inanimate characters, all sorts of people coming in and out, outings to various beautiful sites (lots of stone and places to hide), and a sense of discovery and general playfulness.


The elements of my own early childhood are many of the same ones that I am hoping, and working, to pass on to my little one. today I had the joy of exploring along the parkway and hiking with my father and daughter. it thrilled me to see her pick up on his unique sense of humor on her own and to experience some of the playfulness with him that I held dear as a child.



I know that our road together as parent and child will not always be smooth. however, I hold great hope that she will one day look back at these early days and feel like she knows who she is and kindly regards the people who circled her with love. most of all though, I hope that upon reflection she finds treasures in this time and is able to revive some of these elements as a way to reconnect with herself.

what elements would you like to pass on, or simply reconnect yourself with, from your own childhood?